Recalibrating
In February I quit my job to focus on my life coaching practice and have more time for creative writing projects. Over the last few years, writing has become an unexpected detour, and I’ve been curious to see if there is a book rumbling around somewhere inside me. I’ve been dreaming about this new chapter in my life for years, but felt the nudging to jump, ever-presently, throughout 2019.
Right as I was nearing this most magnificent and terrifying precipice, with eyes closed, arms spread, chest lifted, breath held, sprinting with all my big girl might to leap off this edge…just as one foot lifted off, then the other, Quarantine, stern and stone-faced, plucked me mid-air, hurled me backwards and swiftly sat me down, at what seemed like miles and miles from that take off point…that take off point that took my whole life to approach.
Or maybe it feels more like, I took the leap and am in mid-flight tumbling and spiraling through the air, expecting the ground to be much closer than it is, expecting that I would be more graceful flying the course. Regardless…the point is my expectations and dreams of this time have not lined up with the current reality, and it’s taken some time to become okay with this.
Over the last couple of months during this Great Pause, even beyond reconciling these disappointments, old traumas have resurfaced. I’ve had to work through painful thoughts and emotions, and sift through altered versions of old stories that have mutated in this strange environment laced with such blatant fear and uncertainty. Old beliefs I thought had been shelved and put to rest have come AT me with a vengeance. I’ve been scared, paranoid, insecure, frozen.
In this new reality, even two months in, it’s as if we wake up to a familiar computer screen, sit down to go about our business, but everything is just off. When we click on the mouse, something two inches from the cursor is selected, or we type a period and a question mark pops up. When we wake up the next day, we remember that there is something funky about the keyboard-to-selection interaction, but we can’t quite remember what the glitch was. Even if we could, we find it’s just a little different today than it was yesterday.
We have all this muscle memory telling us that ‘where the cursor is, the selection should also be’. And we have some knowledge that there is something “off” about the whole thing. But because we don’t have it all figured out, the inconsistency and distance between the two causes a fuck ton of frustration.
This has been my last two months: Recalibrating expectation to reality…where I should be, with where I am. I wake up knowing where the cursor should be, where it’s been in the past or where I imagined it to be…my expectation. Sometimes I spend the day trying to anticipate where the selection is actually going to pop up…worrying, defense and protection mechanisms, and hyper vigilance. The selection happens…reality. Then I work to reconcile the difference…choosing, soothing, allowing, changing, accepting.
Under normal circumstances, this type of work is hard, but with the added pressure of a global seizing up, verging on outburst, this work is extra messy and convoluted. Transition is already a tricky arena, so this particular recalibration has felt extra slow, and wobbly, and fruuuuuustrating. I have had to take a major timeout and step back to see what the fuck was going on.
I spent the first month really digging into all the things that felt wrong. I ducked out of life and worked some shit out there. I traced back fears that were popping up from childhood wounds and traumas. As I was in the middle of feeling all these old feelings, I noticed this tendency to want to gather information to reinforce the old story that my fear body had been so comfortable knowing how to maneuver in for so long. And on the other side of the spectrum, was the impulse to shame myself for being in this place that a better version of myself wouldn’t be bogged down in.
Eventually, I was able to quiet the voices that were telling me I should be anywhere else but here. I began holding the story, instead of living it. Looking compassionately at it. Holding space for the discomfort the old story still caused me, without agreeing to it. I set my intention to find the truth, the reality of this situation, now…the truth I’ve uncovered over the last few years, which bedrocks on my capability, resilience and perseverance as an adult showing up in any present moment.
Lately, I’ve stopped trying to anticipate where I should be, what I should be capable of doing and what I should feel. I’ve created more margin for things to be uncomfortable without it meaning that something is wrong.
I could have multiple days of feeling really great, and for no reason wake up feeling bad.
Even on days I feel great, there is some level of heaviness or ‘not okay’ness in my heart.
I tire out quickly. Work days are shorter. I am less efficient, more distracted.
I feel less confident, secure and sure.
I feel less inspired and creative because of these things..
I’ve got a lot of stories knocking around.
Somedays all I want is Netflix, no ‘good-doing’ and all the ‘no-good’ doing.
And some days I feel like I can take over the world.
Each day I give myself space that any number of these things could happen, and I am still okay. I remind myself that ALL of these things are part of a true human experience. I’ve stopped immediately assigning meaning to every little thing that comes up. I give it time and room to breathe. I acknowledge it without much to do and see if it revisits. If it revisits, I simply ask enough questions to make a decision, even if an imperfect one, and move on.
We live in a new reality which means that it is only normal that we would need to shift with it.
It takes TIME to recalibrate to a new normal. It takes TIME for new to feel normal. It takes awareness and testing, trial and error, patience, perseverance, and a lot of rest. It takes some grieving, soothing, compassion and kindness to make it through well.
Frustration comes when we think something that IS here should or shouldn’t be here. It’s an indicator that something is off in the expectation-to-reality interaction.
If you’re feeling frustrated with yourself during this time, what would it look and feel like, to release yourself of the expectation that you should be anywhere than where you are? What kind of relief would come if you were able to give your body, mind and heart everything they need right now, instead of directing and forcing them into spaces they cannot reach today? What would it look like to trust in your capability and goodness as you are today?
Each time I soothe myself when expectation and reality don’t line up, the distance between the two shorten. What I’ve found with my new terms is that when I’m not expending all of my energy in shame or criticism, and I give myself what it needs in the moment, these harder things move through with more ease. It leaves me feeling less exhausted and frustrated, and I’m finding that everything gets taken care of…even without all of my pressuring.
I am wishing you all peace of heart and mind these days…however you may find it!
Love,
Lisa
